Interview with Julie Simpson on Adoption
Meet Julie
Julie is my best friend from college. We bonded on a summer study abroad program in England when I forgot to pack my entire underwear drawer (!!!) and asked to borrow a pair. It was a very humbling and hilarious way to begin a friendship. 
Her short piece on adoption was just published in MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers International) Magazine. She's agreed to chat with me about her piece and her adoption experience.
Sarah: Adoptive parents have different reasons and motivations for adopting. Could you briefly describe how you and your husband decided to adopt and why you chose a domestic adoption?
Julie: Even before we were married, we always talked about how we would like to have adoption be a part of our family story. We both had close family friends that had adopted, both domestically and internationally, so we got to see firsthand what an awesome blessing adoption can be. When we began trying to add biological children to our family, we found out that I have multiple medical issues that made conception and healthy pregnancies difficult. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and then my pregnancy with our son was very complicated and he was born 2 months early. My next two pregnancies ended up being ectopic or tubal pregnancies, which can be very dangerous. At that point we decided that God was pointing us in a different direction, and we started the process of adopting.
As for domestic vs. international, as terribly practical as this is, it really came down to the time and money we had available to invest. International adoptions are much more expensive than domestic and require a lot of time and travel, which we couldn't see doing with a toddler at home. Also, during our research we were providentially pointed by an acquaintance to a wonderful Christian agency in our state that focused primarily on domestic adoption.
Sarah: What are a couple of the most important questions parents should answer for themselves before beginning the adoption process?
Julie: I think the first and most important question we had to ask ourselves was: why did you want to be parents in the first place? Before we ever tried to expand our family, we always talked about how we wanted to parent our kids as unique individuals made in God's image, not as reflections of ourselves. We knew that biological or otherwise, our children would be their own people, with similarities and differences from us that would shape our parenting strategies. You have to be brutally honest with yourself. If your parenting ideas and dreams and goals are deeply connected to whether your children are biologically related to you, then you should probably not pursue adoption.
Secondly, no matter what type of adoption you pursue, you have to ask yourself serious questions about your heart for birth families. Modern domestic adoption leaves the level of openness up to the birth mother, and research has shown that a continuing relationship with the birth family is beneficial for everyone involved. I could go on and on about that, and there are lots of great books out there about open adoption, but the bottom line is: whether you know your child's birth mother or not, she will always be a part of your family.
To be honest, I was uncomfortable with that idea at first. How can I possibly mother a child that already has a mother? But after talking very openly with adoptive families and reading accounts of what open adoption really looks like, I realized that a birth mom wouldn't be a threat, but just another person who loves the child. Now that we've adopted, I can't imagine not knowing my daughter's first mother.
Sarah: From the MOPS piece, it sounds like you were able to get to know your daughter's birth mom leading up to the birth. What does your relationship look like now?
Julie: Yes, we were so blessed to be able to meet our daughter's birth mom about six weeks before she gave birth. She was so gracious and kind and even invited me to go with her to her weekly doctor appointments so I could see our baby girl via ultrasound. We became really great friends, laughing and sharing family stories. It was bittersweet at the time, because I was so terrified that she would change her mind after the baby was born, but also terrified that she wouldn't and I would have to be the cause of horrible grief for her.
On the other side, I am so glad we got that time together to become close before our girl came on the scene. Now I see that her daughter's presence in our family isn't a cause of grief for her, but rather a source of joy. We've seen her and her mom in person a few times, including our daughter's first birthday, which was really special. We Facetime for holidays. I add photos and videos to an Instagram account that only they follow so that they can scroll through whenever they want. It's hard to describe to someone who isn't an adoptive parent, but she holds a unique and special place in our family and will continue to have a valuable role, especially as our daughter gets older. We've all agreed that our daughter's health comes first; if we ever sense that her birth mother's presence in our lives becomes confusing, then we'll pull back. But I don't see that happening. Our daughter is just lucky enough to have another side of her family full of people who love her.
Sarah: Your daughter has a different racial background than you. In your MOPS Magazine piece, you mention some questions and comments that you wish people would not make, mainly because they're based on incorrect assumptions about your daughter and your family. Can you give an example of a kind and appropriate comment that you have received or would be ok with?
Julie: My favorite thing that anyone could ever say is, "You have a beautiful family." It acknowledges and focuses on the fact that despite having different coloring, we are first and foremost a family, not an object of curiosity, and not a story that you are entitled to hear. I also love it when people look at us and instead of asking questions, just say "you have beautiful kids" or "your kids are the cutest." What most people don't realize about adoptive parents is that we just forget, for lack of a better word, that people see something other than our kids when they see us together. When I look at my kids, I don't see my biological son and my adopted daughter, I just see my kids. Their coloring doesn't come into my mind that often, they're just...mine. And so it's so refreshing when someone else refers to them that way as well.
Sarah: What general tips do you have for parents raising children of a different race than their own?
Julie: Yes, we were so blessed to be able to meet our daughter's birth mom about six weeks before she gave birth. She was so gracious and kind and even invited me to go with her to her weekly doctor appointments so I could see our baby girl via ultrasound. We became really great friends, laughing and sharing family stories. It was bittersweet at the time, because I was so terrified that she would change her mind after the baby was born, but also terrified that she wouldn't and I would have to be the cause of horrible grief for her.
On the other side, I am so glad we got that time together to become close before our girl came on the scene. Now I see that her daughter's presence in our family isn't a cause of grief for her, but rather a source of joy. We've seen her and her mom in person a few times, including our daughter's first birthday, which was really special. We Facetime for holidays. I add photos and videos to an Instagram account that only they follow so that they can scroll through whenever they want. It's hard to describe to someone who isn't an adoptive parent, but she holds a unique and special place in our family and will continue to have a valuable role, especially as our daughter gets older. We've all agreed that our daughter's health comes first; if we ever sense that her birth mother's presence in our lives becomes confusing, then we'll pull back. But I don't see that happening. Our daughter is just lucky enough to have another side of her family full of people who love her.
Sarah: Your daughter has a different racial background than you. In your MOPS Magazine piece, you mention some questions and comments that you wish people would not make, mainly because they're based on incorrect assumptions about your daughter and your family. Can you give an example of a kind and appropriate comment that you have received or would be ok with?
Julie: My favorite thing that anyone could ever say is, "You have a beautiful family." It acknowledges and focuses on the fact that despite having different coloring, we are first and foremost a family, not an object of curiosity, and not a story that you are entitled to hear. I also love it when people look at us and instead of asking questions, just say "you have beautiful kids" or "your kids are the cutest." What most people don't realize about adoptive parents is that we just forget, for lack of a better word, that people see something other than our kids when they see us together. When I look at my kids, I don't see my biological son and my adopted daughter, I just see my kids. Their coloring doesn't come into my mind that often, they're just...mine. And so it's so refreshing when someone else refers to them that way as well.
Sarah: What general tips do you have for parents raising children of a different race than their own?
Julie: We once went to a wonderful adoption seminar put on by a couple in our church, both white, who had adopted three African American children. They advised that if you adopt a child outside your own race, you must make sure to have adults in your life who share your child's racial background. It's important for them to have good role models in their life that share their racial background.
Secondly, you as a parent, especially a white parent, have to be cognizant of the ways their race will shape their identity, particularly in the way that other people relate to them. You can't be ignorant of the fact that it will be something they will have to face at some point.
Sarah: This is a bonus question. What is one insight you have gained about God from being an adoptive parent?
Julie: Oh man, that's something about God that's shaped our decisions from the beginning: He is an adoptive parent! And also, our daughter is an ever-present reminder to us that God works all things for the good of those who love Him. In the middle of our struggle with miscarriage, infertility, and complicated pregnancy, we didn't see how any good would ever come out of our pain. Now, we see that God was writing a story that was better than anything we could have come up with ourselves. He guided us to something better than we ever could have imagined, and we've seen His goodness in the land of the living.
All About Julie
Julie Simpson is a mom of two living outside San Antonio, TX. She is multi-talented: musical, crafty, an expert knitter and baker, she rides a motorcycle and runs. I love her because she is down to earth and real. For work (besides raising her kids), she is a freelance writer and runs social media for her church. For several years, she's written Colorado Country Life Magazine's annual reviews of books by CO authors. Read more of her writing about motherhood on her blog, Honest to Goodness, or connect with her on Facebook.
Comments
Post a Comment